21

Did the stupid thing today At first minute emailed my ex, asking the remembrance on something long ago. Serves me right what she answered a number an a word, the driest possible response to a pathetic attempt at connecting a faulty relation. maybe it hurt more because I was here, now at, 9 of October. I surely and stupidly expected something from her. Her reply was a synonym for, “don’t talk to me again”. I’m a sucker. I see her picture taken by someone else. She moved on… while, I just get stuck here. Birthdays are a hard thing to get right. They feel like tests of worth inflicted each time a year. Somehow it just proves how worth full you are to others, like getting a surprise party because others want you or getting gifts. Someday that proves how much are people going to go just to make you feel special. Some what I get is the congratulations, some texts and calls. My phone being one of them who remember. Something just doesn’t feel real about it. Maybe that is what I get because that is what I give. But something doesn’t fill me. I lay in my bed thinking of the loneliness gene is acting up on me. The clouds cover the sky and turn them gray, there is slight rain today just enough to walk through. Makes my mind wonder how much slack does one can pass you on your birthday. Going to the gym today feels much more of a chore than any other. The selfish desire to cover myself in blankets and stop time is strong. All I want…. I can’t even say. Something just doesn’t feel real. Why? It’s a pretty day.. looks golden. It is beautiful. So why am I saddened? It’s been a tough year