She did me… so much so so much damage…… I had to grow but… I can’t heal… I can’t overcome her…. It’s like something deeply engrained in within my brain that keeps pulling me to day dream about a chance to see her. And just a chance to this time talk to her… talking to her with a surgical precision to make her talk to me, to make her come and hug me, to make her trust me…. I am a control freak……. I think of manipulation instead of letting her live… you are right… she choose exactly what she wants… to maybe spy my stories and see if I still long for her…. I do…. But I wish I didn’t… but since I can’t change that… I want to fix things, I don’t what penance or grievance to overcome my days. I want to prove to her and to myself that I can make things right. I know she doesn’t deserve me, I know I’m too good for a cheater and liar, I know she’s a broken human that can not see her responsibility avoidant manipulation. And I still don’t care about that. I want to fix things. I want to sleep calmly knowing I broke down the wall of uncomfortable and horrific tension that hunts both of us. I know she’s lonely, I know she stopped talking to friends because she can’t overcome the guilt to tell them how she cheated on me. And even despite that. Despite knowing how bad it is to us and how hard it is to repair it. I don’t want to give up. I know my friends know I should forget her, but I can’t live with that mistake, if I breathe I should try every single human thing I can to repair something. But… I’m just…. Tired….. I don’t want to keep doing this stuff… I wish I didn’t had to pull the strings to make people talk to me… I lost friends similarly…. It’s up to me to make them trust me again… and to make them…. Well, last longer…. I regret many things. But I don’t want to regret thinking I lost a chance by my own hand You know, it’s been some chats since you started making some sense now I know I’m wrong, yeah, many people can tell how shitty I am. If it were by me I feel like I would go to silent hill to fix myself, either you fix yourself or you die. Though… most people die. Curiously, when I played for the first time I blindly got the in water ending… I played the game after breakup. And some days ago I replayed the remaster and actually played the way to get my in water ending again… but I got the leave ending… I friend when Mary said “you made me so happy” to someone so broken… and yet I see James leaving, alive… I felt like… I still had hope on me, even if I didn’t see it. Even if I try everything to die. If I do my plan if I talk to her… I will still be fearful of loosing her. And I know damn well I fear that because I will fear that will be my action or inaction, my guilt. If she comes and talks to me again. My body will contract I will feel tired again. Thinking of any strategic word like a warlord and not like a friend. I wished I could fix her, but I learned I can’t. I can only be with her if I play her games while she bits me and claws me. Yknow there are some things people repeat like lessons. Like those relationship rules you learn the hard way, like can’t fix her… something that is keeping up is that longing for the version before… I still don’t understand it… but I know it’s true, I certainly that that is my missing piece… yeah. You hit the nail on. The way I see a friend text her privately make me jealous, I’m jealous because she is not texting me, she’s not trusting me…, that hurts. If she still thinks of me, she drowns, that makes me sad. I tried following her… twice, but she didn’t accept the request… how on earth is she playing…. Her indecision hurts me, always has really…. Now it does a lot. These days haven’t been good, I think of her since the first minute. And sometimes I just see myself and think… I really hate her… I really really fucking hate her…, and I still want her…. I want the version of her that will trust me again, that will come rushing towards me to hug me in cries as the tension and fear escapes from the months we no contacted… I do miss myself… I miss my version that didn’t had to think about it all this time. The one that could sleep. The one that didn’t fear to be alone… the one that felt wanted, handsome, desired, but I look at myself in the mirror. I can’t like myself… I can’t but look at my unappealing face as it follows my slim, weak and unattractive body. I wish I could find value in myself… but I just look at my hand … sometimes filled with disgusting and disappointing slime…. And can’t help but feel that remembering her doesn’t make me feel loved, I don’t feel desirable… worthy… fair… I want to be someone else, someone successful. Some who wakes up to love, someone who trusts… but this year… my love has been destroyed, my trust…. Engulfed in darkness. I know what it is, but I’m afraid I can’t handle it until something cruel happens, and just then I get it