As I sit

As I sit
Embarrassed in fetal position
I listen to them
False friends false parents false acquaintances
They laugh even at my liberty of silence. They mock my misery unknowingly. What do I even do. In a unfit world. I try to keep silence but I had to pinch myself to reconnect to their call. I can’t do much well. And for very little I can lie. I can lie to them today. I can claim my computer died. But I can bring myself to speak to them. I have to pinch, punch, and puncture my skin to bring up my body from the body and from the fear to them.

There really is no one.

I once had a girl that gave the world to me, and I pushed her away. She now would look at me with a face of disinterest and disgust, as she grabs the hand of who might be her husband. And mine, now, a misery I’ve built. Where the facade melts I realised my lies have fallen. My stories, my designs, my greatest strength and hit is not matched, but only since no one is low enough. With everyone enjoying their virtues I’m left here unowned. Barely managing to survive. Why. Why is there that voice that won’t let me crumble, I want to fully rot, to let the pieces of me fall and crash. They so called friends berate me, mock me, they so called familiars humiliate me, joke me, they so called virtues just show how broken and unfinished I am. How broken and miserable I want to be. I don’t have anything beyond. My writing is dry. My emotions are mixed and insecure, I don’t work on anything as the good workaholics do. I don’t design with the flow the skilled do. I need to abandon that stupid dream. But here now that voice holds me back. I’ve built you. I’ve been low, I don’t enjoy it but I want it. I want to crumble to die and to rot. But I built you, I told you to stop me. An agent, separated from me. Different from me. Are you really me. I know I want this habit to die. But you mean me so well. I can’t support your good intentions. I’m not meant that. So please let me turn to ash. But you won’t, you’ve learned well, even better than what I learn. You don’t feel like me even though you are inside me. You only do what I once told you to do. You yell at me and pinch my skin to force me out of my rotting and stinking sheets.

Now I don’t even know how to be miserable.

I truly
Fell
Down