Is it weird to not have an idol or follow figure, yet you remember you used to feel admiration for someone, that scientist, that musician? Yes, yes, that's it. But to not have even inspiring role models? To admire none, to see them all as the flesh holding bones that they are: lucky, immoral, or wealthy; to have the headlines on them as the eyes for their so-called ever-variable success.
Is it normal to not fall into the illusion (some of which is manufactured by suits and marketing seniors), and to not feel an inch of that sweet glittery elixir that makes your body feel so strange and attached, almost like it's pulling you into the fantasy land, with an orgasmic sensation, but not by sexual intentions (or at least not intentionally initially), but to fire up each cell within your cosmovision, like a drug that entrances you and turns all of your thinking off with each verse in the poem or every string of the violin's high-pitched squeal? Basically, all of each to their own.
But... not even a single one for me?
I'm sure I must remember, I'm sure I must know I wasn't like today, or yesterday, or tomorrow. Surely a time where I felt something?
But now there is nothing? I don't admire anyone. I don't envy feats, skills, or wealth. None of that.
So boring, and so unstable. Can you feel what my chest looks like?
Is it normal to feel void or anti-feelings after major depression? What is anti-feel even?
The opposite of one feeling, or the antithesis of feelings? An antithesis of feelings can't be the absence of feelings, else the opposite of everything would be nothing...
The opposite of dark is not the absence of dark; it would be light... therefore, the antithesis of everything can't for certain be nothing.
As with the antithesis of feelings, months after the depression: apathy, indifference, yes, but the inconformity is present...
If you stay: you feel like you're betraying yourself because you're not "fulfilled." ... If you leave: you're terrified that, when you regain your capacity to feel...
And back again with the fox imagery, like a wild fox scared of the world...
Will we debate our entire life in shifting scenarios until we die?
44% of patients in remission (who are no longer technically "depressed") continue to experience severe levels of blunting.
Depression disrupts the reward circuits linked to dopamine. This explains why you can feel love in its presence... leaving you in that limbo of wanting to escape the pressure of "having to feel something." https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4033933/
I guess it could be random each day, each hour, and maybe each minute, from a normal state to paranoia to complete utter hate towards the world and a deep desire to escape it. And isn't love mixed in there somewhere?
So again with the fox. The fox now wants to escape: DON'T TOUCH ME.
I'm sick of it, I'm tired. I'm tired of emotions, but the tiredness is an emotion in itself...
And in the deep disdain and hate, all you find yourself in is misery...
And it's not even consistent in its own realm...
And so what is the conclusion, children? That there are three motherfuckers in here?